Meztibar There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a bro. Even in a drought, a bro flushes twice. Visit our Help Pages. Only 20 left in stock — order soon. There are no tenents of the Bro Code that cannot be discussed in confidence with another bro. The Bro Code The day after world-changes is also considered an official bro holiday.
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File: EPUB, 2. All rights reserved. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. The Bro Code previously existed only as an oral tradition heh , so I have journeyed the globe to piece together and transcribe the scattered fragments of the Bro Code, pausing only to flesh it out myself double heh.
But not out of it. That would be a violation of Article A Bro never cries. It is my hope that, with a better understanding of the Bro Code, Bros the world over can put aside their differences and strengthen the b; onds of brotherhood. It is then, and only then, that we might work together as one to accomplish perhaps the most important challenge society faces—getting laid.
Before dismissing this pursuit as crass and ignoble, consider this postulate: without the sport inherent in trying to bang chicks, would men willingly have sex for the sole purpose of producing smelly, screaming babies? Q: What is a Bro? A Bro is a person who will bend over backwards to help you bend someone else over backwards. Q: Who is your Bro? When someone has faithfully upheld one or more of the codes in the Bro Code, then you may consider him your Bro.
Warning: Exercise caution when bringing home a hot chick—your brother may or may not be your Bro. Q: Can only dudes be Bros? Many have been boldfaced and placed in the Glossary on page so you can familiarize yourself with the Bronacular.
As punishment Cain was doomed to walk the earth alone. Because without a wingman, he had absolutely no chance to meet chicks. Troy put up a good fight, but the Spartan navy was very powerful. Soon hordes of Spartan seamen burst through the Trojan barrier, and Helen got half the gold for the next eighteen years.
Hundreds of years later, appropriately in Philadelphia the City of Bro Love , a little known delegate named Barnabas Stinson scratched on parchment what is now considered the earliest attempt to record the Bro Code. While the original document is housed two stories beneath sea level in an undisclosed, vacuum-sealed, bulletproof chamber, I was able to gain access long enough to manufacture this replica.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Bros are created equal—though not necessarily with the same good looks or sense of style—and that they are endowed with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of tail.
To secure these rights, we present the Bro Code. Be it here resolved that, henceforth, when and if two gentlemen covet the company of the same wench, the Bro who first calleth dibs on said wench shall be entitled sufferance for such time as it takes to reasonably strike out, or the time it takes sand to fill one half of an hourglass, whichever comes first.
At no point is it permissible for a Bro to violate this right and codpiece block his Bro, even if he hath consumed copious quantities of ale. The bond between two men is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, men are stronger than women.
The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls has unearthed a once-lost passage that documents the earliest infringement of the Bro Code. Fruit, water, companionship. But one day, Adam came upon a naked chick, Eve, and desired her olive leaf.
And so Adam wenteth behind an apple tree to know Eve, totally ditching his Bro, Phil, who had Knicks tickets. Long story short, humankind became self-aware, paradise was lost, and well, we all know what happened to the Knicks.
It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason…no, not even that reason. NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math. Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is—a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.
Even after an accident. There are no sentiments between Bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail. The following are a few emails for any Brocassion that succinctly get the message across without costing you the trouble and expense of having to find and then send an actual greeting card.
Nice, Bro! This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty of chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming.
If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are—in most cases, stuck in a doorway. Better to have women think all men are stupid than to tell the truth. America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. The beauty of the pyramid is that you can always add a layer to the foundation.
Open liquor bottles and dust the bar area to give the impression you actually use it. As a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to the bathroom. Scan DVR playlist and remove embarrassing television programs like daytime talk shows.
Open all windows. Display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality. Disconnect answering machine, or… Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive. Coasters, coasters, coasters! Sign out of email account. Women make excellent Bros. Because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that comprise the Chick Code. One morning, just before slipping out the door while my hostess was in the shower, I happened upon a copy of the rumored tome.
A chick never pays for anything. If two chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than simply stripping down and wrestling it out. A chick may get a dog as a pet, but only if it fits in her mailbox. If two chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to accidentally spill a drink on the other. A chick shall not operate a motor vehicle in a safe manner. A chick has a free pass to slut it up on Halloween.
All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped. The average relationship between a man and a woman lasts eighty-three days. The relationship between a man and his skin lasts a lifetime and must be nurtured, because as we all know, the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has. Not only have I made the foolish mistake of choosing a lifetime of monogamy, but I have permanently branded myself as off-limits.
This band looks like a scar of manhood that I earned after my village banished me to the hinterlands for seven days with no food or water…like in that Kevin Bacon basketball movie. I have a fearsome dragon on my arm! Are you scared? I know I did. Sorry, Bro. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, carrier pigeons, fiber optics, shouting, postcards, and telepathy. Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.
Bro: Totally. Unnatural is un sexy. Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake. Bro: Whose? Bro: Oh. Yes, those must be fake. Bro: No? Chick: Oh. Well, they are. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Why do I have to wait so long? A: Broflation—an unreasonable increase in female expectations about how Bros should act. You call a woman the next day, she tells her friends you called the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day.
A: Call during the middle of the day. Note: Never call after 9 PM—late-night phone calls are the province of the booty call, and only the booty call. See Article 92 for further elaboration. Why does the Bro Code specify four? By waiting an extra day, you can make a chick feel special. One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER: zipper. These erotic dancers have practiced tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of choreographed art.
Would you wear dungarees to a ballet? See Article Not even in Europe. When a chick meets a Bro, there are three things she wants to know: How much money does he make?
The Bro Code
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